The other week, I was watching Stephen Fry present a show about swearing.One of the guests was Brian Blessed, who was proving that swearing when you hurt yourself helps to ease pain. Well, my friends,I gave old Brian a run for his money in the car on the way back from minor injuries. Did it ease the pain or frustration....What do you think? ? Course not. My leg was potted up to just below my knee. I felt like an utter plonker and no amount of foal language would save me now.
Anyway, Michelle, my best friend, arranged for me to get home and in the car we caught up and had a laugh; I don't think my predicament had fully sunk in yet. This all changed when I got out of the car. My brain obviously thought 'Weyhey....I've seen kids do this. Crutches? No problem. Easy.' Ha! Not likely. Boldly stepping out of the car, I put my potted foot down...Durrr! I realised, it wasn't happening so put the other one down on the kerb. Dignity still just about in place, attempted to stand up. I think I covered up the little stumble as I grabbed onto the car for support. (although Michelle would probably disagree.)
Ever tried to stand on one leg? Course you have. Ever stood on it for longer than 15 seconds and held the other one up off the floor whilst it is encased in plaster? It's harder than you think! In fact, I am sure that the man who put the pot on made a mistake and coated my leg with concrete instead of plaster. I felt like I had the M1 carefully wrapped around my foot and Father Christmas had asked me to deliver it to my door on the special foot sleigh. The foot of doom had begun its cruel torment.
Negotiating the door wasn't too bad but after Michelle had gone, the penny finally dropped. It was not going to be easy. This was my life for....well, God knows how long.
Waiting on me seemed to be Nick's calling at that point. He did a brilliant job, bringing me food and drinks and anything else I needed. Thinking that all this wasn't too bad, I was feeling very comfortable - right up until that moment. Coo-ey...Coo-ey, that was the call of nature yelling loud and clear. The inevitable had happened. I needed the toilet.
It never really dawned on me, until now, how much we really take for granted, especially when it comes to mobility. We never realise how easily our bodies move, even if they are in pain, until that day when they stop. Why, oh why did someone who built Victorian terrace houses never think of putting in a downstairs toilet? Arghhhh.
Carefully, (and faking at being confident)I 'crutched' my way to the bottom of the stairs. Looking to the top of the stairs, Mount Kilimanjaro sprang to mind. Cheryl Cole may have climbed it but I bet she never tried walking up terraced house stairs with a broken foot!
I believe that this entire moment was the reason why God gave us beautifully padded bottoms. Mine was being used to ease my fall every time I pushed up with my hands to go backwards up another step. Oh yes, did I mention my crutches? They had to be slid up as well. Patiently watching at the bottom of the stairs, Nick stood doing his best not to interfere. We both knew it was something that I had to do on my own. However, I am very sure that the phrase 'for god sake, how long will this take?' may have crossed his mind. Likewise, I was thinking that any normal person would push/pull me up the stairs!
Arriving at the top felt like a real achievement. It had only taken me about 10 minutes. Surely I would get quicker? Right then, now let's try to get off the bathroom floor on to the toilet. Ha! So much easier said than done. My weak arms were no use to me as they could not support my weight to pull myself up. I could not kneel because once I got into that position I could not get out of it as my leg would not move into a position that would hold me up. If I moved my leg, I was in danger of falling flat on my face or head first in to the toilet. A turtle that had been cruelly tossed over onto it's shell, wiggling it's legs for dear life was exactly how I must have looked. Crying, sweating and attempting to hold my very full bladder, I now was sure. The Foot of Doom had defeated me!
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